I am an extreme extrovert- the quizzes say 100%! This means I derive all my energy from being with others. It’s no wonder I like to see friends almost daily. Since friendships are so important to me, it has gotten me to start thinking of what traits many of my dearest friends have in common. This list is just the top five traits I value in my friendships. It’s a great get to know yourself better question to ask yourself so you can be proactive in looking for these traits when you meet new people. You may value other things, and that’s all good too! I have just noticed that almost all of my closest friends have at least one or two of these traits. A couple have all of them! So, in no particular order…
Authentic
My favorite friends can talk about embarrassing things with ease and share intimate details. If you don’t wince at a conversation about poop or perversion then we will get along. Not that I have a strong desire to engage in these topics, but I love being around people who don’t give a damn how they will be perceived. They don’t bat an eye or feel embarrassed around these topics. It’s a part of life!
Part of being authentic is also sharing candidly and with ease parts of your life that aren’t picture perfect. Vulnerability is key to deep connection. I’m not always good at this, but when someone else is vulnerable, it sure does make it easier for me to be the same.
These two quotes come to mind that remind me why it’s so important for me to have close friends who are authentic-
Johann Hari: “Loneliness isn’t the physical absence of other people… it’s the sense that you’re not sharing anything that matters with anyone else.”
Carl Jung: “Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself.”
Open minded and not judgmental
I love friends who are open to the idea that nobody is infallible, even themselves. They realize that who they are now is a result of all the books, meetings, movies, podcasts, life experiences, and interactions with others that helped shape them to this point, and those beliefs can change given more information or differing information. They don’t stagnate in their beliefs and they know that. Friends who are meek, teachable, and know that we are all on a journey are the friends that are easy to get along with. They know that growth means we are open to the opinions of others that challenge our own. I don’t mind opinionated friends, but I value when they are open to their views being different to others and come with love and kindness in their approach of sharing contrasting views.
Curious of others
I can’t tell you how common it is in friendships where I’m the only one asking questions and questions (mine or theirs) are not reciprocated. I love friends who are just as curious about my life and the inner workings of my complicated mind as I am in theirs. These friendships go beyond the surface and beyond small talk and are much more soul filling.
Even though I honestly love getting to know all kinds of people whether they are asking me questions or not, my favorite friends are those who are truly curious about me as well. This doesn’t come natural to some and that’s ok!
If you want to get better at this trait, I think the biggest barrier is that many people are too focused on being liked or wondering if the other person is judging them. I make it a point to never think of what someone else thinks of me. I find it’s hard to love someone else well when if I am trying to gain their approval or trying to make them like me. Train your mind to replace those thoughts with curiosity about the other person. Accept that you are not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s ok! All you can do is love people the best you can, and if your best isn’t enough for them then you really can’t do more than your best, so move on. What you have to offer isn’t valuable to them, and that’s ok. Birds of a feather, flock together. They just weren’t in your flock. That doesn’t mean you won’t find others who will gladly join you!
Positive
I love friends who see the cup half full. Not all my friends are like this and that’s ok, but the ones who see life as half full also tend to have an abundance mindset instead of a scarcity mindset, have big dreams, and the big thing is that positive people inspire me! They give me more good ideas, they are a good example for me in many areas of my life that I want to improve, they are usually well read and constantly on a journey of growth which leads me to…
On a spiritual journey or care about sharing the inner world
I love and am inspired by friends who are lifelong learners, want to talk about ideas, new things they are trying, learning, doing. We get past the “What are you up to this weekend?” superficialities and get into the grit of life. They share their growth and struggles and ideas. They never gatekeep the thing that is currently changing their lives. These people have so much to offer friendships, and I find myself evaluating my life and life choices when I am with them! I love people who help me grow.
Want the best for others- the helpers
And lastly, I love my selfless, giving, helpful friends. These friends are not to be mistaken with the transactional people- pleasing friends. You can tell the difference because the people- pleasing friends do it because they actually demand something in return. The transaction goes like this- I am doing X,Y,Z so you will like me. A true helpful friend and selfless friend cares for others because they truly care about the well being of others. They do it because the love of God compels them to. They don’t demand to be liked in return. They are giving without expecting anything in return. Isn’t that love? To give without expecting anything in return? To give because you care about a person? To give because you want to see another person thriving and living their best life? That is the best a friend can offer- to love without condition.
Those are my top 6! I would love to know what’s on your list!